Imploding

I am imploding.
I am trying to speak,
but you never hear.
Wearing my mask,
which becomes ever thinner,
as I find it harder to conceal,
all that I hold inside.
I could scream all of this out.
That you aren’t who I thought I knew, anymore.
That the older I get the more I see,
All of the ways in which you’ve harmed me.
But how can I ever tell you this,
when you love me so much

You have loved me to death

You have tried to mould me into your dreams
You told yourself this would all be perfect
Your daughter would be a great success
Your husband would never leave
You would never end up with damaged goods in your home

And yet, here we all are
A family of strangers
Too polite to argue
Too afraid to be honest
While your stepchildren voice their emotions
Shout at you, hurt you
I can’t be the one to echo their feelings

And so I lock away these emotions
which tear at my soul and silently scream from my lungs
my blood electric with noise and fire
coursing through my veins with rage and sorrow
I am wretched with frustration and unspoken words

But I can’t burden you with this
when you already tear yourself apart

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29 Comments

      1. I’ve written a lot about my past during my time as a blogger. It really does help to get it out there. Sometimes you find yourself repeating the same themes in your writing, because it’s something essential for you to emotionally process and the healing is in layers. It is definitely such a comfort knowing you’re not alone. I’ve made amazing friends online with similar histories to myself. We’re survivor sisters, really bonded together. I love it 💛

        Liked by 2 people

        1. That’s so good for me to hear… This is relatively new to me and I’m just trying to work through my past after almost 18 years of not really understanding it. I’ve shut it out for a long time but that’s not going to help is it. I hope I can provide some support and comfort to other women whilst also finding some support here too 💛

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I had a breakdown which began three years ago with flashbacks etc. I had no memories this abuse had ever happened till then, so it’s been a huge adjustment for me to realise my family were not the perfect people I was brainwashed to believe they were. Every survivor reaches a point where the gates open and you can’t hold it back any longer. The only way is through. It’s messy and painful. I’m still struggling now, but have made tons of progress too. The mutual support is fantastic here, it’s just a case of finding the right blogs of people who have your kind of history. You can email me if you like. Click on the contact page and you can send me a message… only if you want to of course 😊 I’m Summer, as you can probably tell 😂😆

            Liked by 2 people

          2. I think that’s the most shocking part for me right now… Things I’ve believed are starting to reveal themselves as untrue and that’s hard to take in. Thank you for speaking so candidly about your experience and for the advice about which blogs to look for too. I’m pleased that you’re working through your past and coming out of the other side! One of the things I struggle most with day to day is the lack of people around me to share these experiences with. I will drop you a message thanks 💛

            Liked by 2 people

  1. Healing is hard but its easier when you can share your experience with others who have experienced it too. When I say I don’t want to leave the house or nor do I want strangers coming to my door, another survivor will understand the pain & fear where it originates from. If I say the upcoming holidays create so many bad memories I’ll be in a state of constant hypervigilance another survivor understand. When we share our stories speak our truth we heal and help others to heal too.❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this … Those are moments I really struggle with too. Seeing family or feeling like you have to socialise can be such an enormous effort and then you feel like everyone will think you don’t care, actually it’s quite the opposite. I’m so touched by the words of support I’ve received this evening, thank you 💛

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As always, your pent up emotions are expressed so eloquently and powerfully. I love the line “You have loved me to death”

    Because it is not as it seems, that line, on the surface…is it?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s exactly what all of my posts are I think… pent up emotions. I’m finding it enormously healing to share them actually , I really struggle with sharing my thoughts out loud to people in my life. And yes you’re right it’s not. Thank you Rob 💛

      Liked by 1 person

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