Clutching Chaos

Have they noticed?
Something is happening.
Something is stirring.
Something enormous and dark.
Has anyone noticed?

A little more withdrawn?
A little more reserved?
A little unsure?
A little distracted?

Throw yourself into each menial task.
Everything is fine… nobody knows.

You are waiting for it to happen,
but what is it?!
Some terrible forgotten secret?
Some horrific monster from the past,
waiting to ambush you.

You have repressed your horrors before,
haven’t you?

Will it come as you sleep?
Will this pass quietly over you,
until you feel normal again?

Or will you crack open,
in front of everyone.
Will you scream at them,
Listen to me!! I am suffering!!

But you have become so skilled in hiding your feelings.
How could you expect them to notice?
The master of displaying as an open book,
whilst hiding everything that you are.
Clutching your chaos to your chest,
as if it were something precious.
Does anyone really know you?

And how can you explain your condition,
when you don’t even understand
why you suffer so.

You are holding in your passion.
You are grappling at your emotions.
Clinging in desperation,
to prevent them from being seen.

Like trying to hold a swarm of bees in a hive.
Like trying to hold the ocean in your hands.
You are tiny, insignificant.
And what does your pain even matter?
When there are so many like you.

If only you could silence your mind,
for just half an hour.

© no face woman

 

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24 Comments

  1. Reblogged this on SUMMER STARTS TO SHINE and commented:
    Amazing post which captures the emergence of PTSD as it overwhelms the psyche so well. This blogger is at the threshold point where PTSD cannot be ignored any longer. Please give this blogger your support. We need to care for survivors to mitigate the effects of our memories as far as possible. I’ve been at the point this blogger is and know these feelings well. Please read this for an insight into what we, as survivors, go through 💖💖💖

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Can others really ever know the true depth of us? Its an interesting question. How can we know or embrace a reality which lies beyond our experience? For those with PTSD or complex PTSD its really only other survivors who fully understand what hell we can live from day to day or night to night. Expecting others to just isn’t realistic, in my view but we suffer so much before we come to accept this truth. Looking for those who can see and know you is so important and for those who can love and accept you too, unconditionally. In my experience its here where I find this most (oh and with my therapist).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing your perspective, I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and give me your thoughts 💛 I think perhaps a therapist is what I’m missing! But I just find it so hard to talk out loud about what I’m feeling … have you ever struggled to share with family and friends? Xx

      Liked by 1 person

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