Releasing the Eels

This first step.
An almighty leap,
from danger into safety?
Safety into danger?

Knees together.
Hands clasped.
Lips tight.
Silent room.
Neutral tones.

You were kind, open,
Not just listening,
but hearing.

Yes, I am intimidated
by this wisdom you hold,
that I have yet to learn.

And isn’t this part of my condition?
I am not good enough
I should have achieved more
Why don’t I hold all the answers?

‘What do you want?’
Freedom.
Freedom from this person
I became.

Freedom from crippling worry.

The freedom
to repair what was lost.
Seventeen years of damage.
Seventeen years
of looking in the wrong places.

Understanding, wisdom,
recovery, knowledge.

Pouring this sorrow from my chest.
Did this rambled confession
make any sense at all?

I have no idea who I am.
I have never spoken my thoughts out loud.
I don’t know who my family are anymore.

I am resentful,
Of what?
Love?
Expectations?
Commitment?
Responsibilities?

I told you,
I am not who they think.
I am afraid
to share these darkest parts
of who I am.

‘Afraid people won’t like what they see’
You said.

Seeking love.
Lending my ear.
Giving everything.
Using these skills
to detract from my own
reality.
Reality fabricated
in the darkest chasms
of self reflection.

And didn’t I feel abandoned?
Didn’t I put myself in the path of danger?
Didn’t I self destruct?

I wonder, can you tell
I am not used to speaking out loud
these horrors.
This truth I carry.
This boulder in my stomach.
This devil on my back.

No, I never had enough
self worth
to make my boundaries clear.

When something most precious
is stolen,
how can one value it
anymore?

‘Are you angry?’

Yes I am angry.
This rage burns inside me
Scorches through my veins
Like wildfire.

Why did I allow myself to be
so weak.

Concreting my own confession
of self blame.

And who else can be blamed?

And yet, in honesty,
there is surely hope.

Hope to live a congruent life,
as you put it.
Hope to be at ease with myself.
Hope to project the same person,
inside and out.

And will people not still love you?
If they really loved you in the first place?

The truth is,
I am afraid.

Afraid to peel back the lid.
Afraid to even peer inside.
For the most terrifying of monsters
are hidden in the darkness.
If I open this door,
will they escape?
Destroying everything in their wake?
Covering the world in darkness?

And if they did,
If everything I know falls apart.

Isn’t it always darkest
before the dawn?

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9 Comments

  1. This post, when I read it, transported me back to a few years ago, when I was first embarking on therapy (I did a vlog btw on therapy which you might find interesting, it’s called “if your therapist is crap, sack em vlog” but ignore the title, it’s quite helpful I hope!) You explain that stage so well. It’s like you’re putting your rubber gloves on, taking a deep breath and saying “I’m going in”. If you fast forwarded a year into the future, I promise you that you will be a different person. A more evolved person. Your trepidation is understandable. Go forth hun, and radiate badassery. You will sort Pandora. You will get the can of worms opened and emptied. The floodgates have an optimum time to open. That time is now. Lots of love 💓 and sorry I’ve been quiet. I have a lot of emotional processing going on myself at the moment. Hugs 💖😇

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this 💛 you’re an absolute diamond. I already watched your therapy vlog actually … this weekend before my first session today. I thought it might help me out! And it did. It’s difficult to jump in, isn’t it? When I say difficult I mean fuck!ng sh!ting terrifying!!! But step 1 is done and I feel proud for facing that. Feel free to holler at me if you need to talk about your emotional processing… I know I’m not much use for advice but I’m always here as a friendly ear xxx lots of love xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow. I didn’t realise it was today. You’ve done well to have the capacity to write about it 😊 Terrifying it definitely is! But the more you get used to it, you’ll enjoy the liberation and freedom of it. I’m glad you feel proud, too right! 😁💪🙆 Thanks for the offer of a friendly ear. I might do when I have the capacity to think, but I’m quite numbed out at the mo 💓💓💓🙍

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Go for your soul. Everyone else can fuck off if they can’t deal. Love is unconditional or not love at all. I’m with you. Fantastic introspection. I’m watching you unfold as you go along. From where I sit all systems are go, go, go

    Liked by 1 person

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