Because of You

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Lady Gaga – Til It Happens To You

Did you know
when you took my innocence from me
that you would take
Everything I had?!

Your manipulation,
your coercion,
has tainted everything.
Made me who I am today.

You stalked me,
like a prowling wolf
when I was
at my most vulnerable.

Fifteen years old.
I didn’t know what ‘grooming’ meant.
How could you help yourself?
You are only a man, after all.

A stupid, pitiful man,
with selfish needs.
Only thinking of yourself.

I shouldn’t have known that side
of human nature
at such an age.

I mistrust everyone
Because of you.
I fear danger at every corner
Because of YOU.
I cannot maintain relationships
in any capacity
Because of you.

Did you ever consider
The enormity of your mistake?!

You made me believe
I needed someone.

You made me believe
you were my friend.

You made me believe
I was alone in the world.

You separated me from family,
friends.

You lied to me.
You lied to EVERYONE.

And I am the one left suffering here.
Fifteen years later
and still I suffer.

Do you know that it wasn’t just you?
Do you know that you opened the door
to other predators like you?
Do you know that I have been
this devastated ruin of a person
so many times.
Because of you.
Do you know that you created
a person so damaged, so easily led.
Do you know that you warped
my sense of what the word ‘love’ means?

Do you know how alone I was?
Do you know how vulnerable I was?
You took advantage of my innocence,
my loneliness, my abandonment.
My ‘Daddy issues’.

And I’m sure that
to you, I am a blip
in your sordid history.
That history you shared
too openly
with a fifteen year old.
Got me to feel sorry for you,
Didn’t you?

And in my world,
your face is written
into every frown
on every male
on every pavement.

Every man stood on a dark corner.
Every time I grab my keys,
clasp them between my fingers.
Prepare myself to run,
to fight.

YOU ignited all of this.
I am still trying to recover.
I am still trying to play at being normal.
I am still trying to forget.

And you will never understand
Quite what you’ve done.

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15 Comments

  1. This has given me goosebumps. I hear the roar of your anger. I have anger too. I understand. Processing the full extent of the damage is very very painful, but frank expression like this is a very useful part of the healing process. When you do difficult writing like this, give yourself lots of treats and soothing comforts, or seek out support from others. It’s all part of what we need to do to care for ourselves while we process our trauma. Tight hugs 💕💕💕

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you Summer ❤ I'm in a real mess today to be honest. It is a roar… I feel like I could smash everything to the ground today. I know it's probably healthy, but it doesn't feel so good today. Thank you for being there and for your good advice from someone who knows this process well. ❤ It means everything to me x

      Like

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