Little One

Can next time I see you
not come any sooner?
8 long days and nights.
I don’t think I can wait that long.

There is too much to say.
Where will I even begin.

How was your Christmas?

Oh it was lovely thanks

No, remember, 
you must be honest here.

It was fraught with emotion.
Tensions were palpable.
Memories of sitting alone in one room.
Siblings, lost but always present.

I want so much to be close to them.

How did we all experience
the same insecurities,
the same feeling of isolation,
but never disclose our truth
until now.

There is much work to be done here.
Are you equipped to help me
fix this mess I have become?

And why do I hold
such resentment,
for the person I love
most of all.

Why do they lie?
Why do they pretend?
Why do they not hear.
Why can’t they see.
Why can’t I tell them
the damage they’ve caused.

Why can’t I address this to them directly.

You have projected your failings
onto me.
You have never reached your goals.
You have lost yourself.
And yes I feel for you,
but you have damaged all of us.
You made me believe I have failed.

Don’t end up like your sister.

You want me to be close to them,
but want me to be only yours.
You are afraid of what might be said.
How you might look.
What people might think.

And who are these ‘people’,
anyway?
Why do they matter?
Who would judge you?
What might people think if they knew.

(And why don’t you like The Pogues?
Everyone likes The Pogues at Christmas).
Are you too middle class
for the language?

If only you could be honest.
With yourself, with me.
We could have the relationship
you so want for us.
I want us to have that too.

I am shouting,
but you cannot hear me.
I speak,
but your machine gun
hits me with a thousand bullets.
Your words like rapid fire,
drowning my thoughts,
silencing my speech.

You cannot hear me.
LET ME FINISH.

I am the practice run.
I am the first round.
I am the one that went wrong.
Here’s one I made earlier.
I didn’t quite turn out right, did I?

Yes, this is who I am.
I am resentful.
I am angry.
I am afraid.
I am lonely.
I am still ten years old.

I need to heal from this,
before I drown in it.

Take that child in my hand
and tell her.

It’s ok that you feel alone.
It’s ok that you feel abandoned.
It’s ok that you lost your self worth.

You are not a failure.
You deserve to be happy.
You can get this back.
You can find yourself again.

I will never give up on you.

green-eyes

 

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