Water on the Walls

On New Year’s Eve,
I called you.

I told you it was because
I wanted to see how you were.
Had a feeling something was wrong.
And in part, that was true.
But mostly I called,
because I was alone.
I thought you might be alone too.

I was right.

Had I abandoned you?
When I found someone
to love me?
When that partner of mine
wouldn’t tolerate
our lifestyle?

And he was right, wasn’t he?
You would always lead me
into places that would
cause me suffering.

The two of us,
battling similar demons.
Handling our woes,
in similar ways.

Socialising leads to anxiety.
Anxiety leads to stress.
Stress leads to alcohol.
Alcohol leads to drugs.

This was the way of things
more days than not.
You enabled me,
I enabled you,
Didn’t I, my friend?

From the fires of a friendship
powered by
mutual self destruction,
can only arise
heartache and resentment.

Didn’t you hear,
about the long term effects
of drug abuse
on mental health?

That’ll never happen to us.

This is not a problem.

We are just unwinding.
I’ve had a stressful day.
It’s the weekend, after all.
Pay day today!
Let’s treat ourselves.

But that running demon,
it catches up with you,
doesn’t it?
It chases.
Until you can no longer outrun it
.

When youth abandons you
.
When your mind becomes weary,
your pace slows.
It claws at your heels,
tugs at your jeans.
It clings to your shoulders.
Wraps its bony fingers
around your mind.

And we know all about that.
Don’t we, my friend?

I listened to you.
And you spoke.

You spoke of
four days of hell.
And I pictured you,
throwing yourself
around that apartment.

Arms flailing,
eyes wild,
Sending those messages you send.
Trying to reach out.
But even when they visit you,
they always leave again.
Don’t they, my friend?

You were alone.

Four litres in.
Four grams.
Water on the walls.
Scratching at the wallpaper.
Where is the flood coming from?

There is no flood, my love.

Realising you’ve gone too far,
this time.
Trying to call for help
and finding nobody there.

How my heart aches
for your suffering.

How could I have left you like this?
Was I heartless to abandon you?
You wanted to live alone, didn’t you?
You had made it through the rough patch.
I believed you.

I remember how
You would project.
I was the bad influence.

And even now,
you are too proud to admit
that it can never be
Just one glass.

I am here now.
I won’t leave you again.
But I cannot be drawn
back into your world.

I am trying to recover.
I am trying to evade
the running demon.

And with your friendship,
comes only a monstrous vice
I’ve fought so desperately
to shake from my shoulders.

I can only be
an arms length support
for you now.

You are not the first
I have lost
to this lifestyle we chose.
To this monster
we clutched to our chests,
like precious gold.

Is there any left?
What can we sell?

I should have protected
both of us
from ourselves.

I am strong enough to do that now.

And next time,
We’ll meet for a coffee.

 

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10 Comments

  1. Omg this is so fucking spot on it brought tears to my eyes I kid you not. This is now my ultimate favorite write. When I leave my phone later and I go to my cpu I am going to reblog. I can’t tell you how damn good this is. How you describe addiction and it’s fallout is so impeccably good! Seriously, in case you are not getting it, this is your very best wrote ever!! And I love you for it. You should be hysterically proud, for I am truly proud for you. Damn!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow… thank you SO much. This was my housemate and best friend. I think one of the hardest things about trying to regain your life is that you have to distance yourself from some of the people who draw you into your vices. Hearing that they’ve gotten worse in your absence is really hard :(. Thank you once again for reading and for giving my posts your validation and support. I can’t tell you what it means to me ❤

      Like

      1. Nobody could have painted the reality of cutting loose the drmons, habits, people that have to be cut for recovery. Not only that you describe our behaviors and ways of thought that are so universal so incredibly poignantly. Truly a masterpiece of a recovering mind. Bravo

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Thank you so much, I think one only understands those demons when they’ve been in the same place don’t they. It’s reassuring for me to hear that you can relate to this and that hopefully others can too. We’re not alone ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  2. A deeply insightful tapestry of hard memories?

    I’ve learned to ask questions now instead of giving my opinion, haha. I was recently corrected and informed that my interpretation of something was wrong, so I want to be careful.

    I also hate just giving empty meaningless praise, you know? I like to understand the writer, take it a notch deeper. That’s where the real stuff is.

    If I was right in my guess, then this is remarkably impactful. Thank you for sharing. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re absolutely right, yes. A friend with an addiction and an existence I had to escape to heal myself. I know everyone is different, but even if my writing wasn’t interpreted as intended, if it brings some healing or comfort to somebody I wouldn’t mind either way! It can be interpreted however is most fitting for the reader. So interpret away!! And thank you for being interested and supportive it really means a lot to me 💛

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s both my pleasure and an honor of sorts to be able to bear witness to your journey.

        I think there are a lot of us who are here to be heard in a way that we don’t find outside of writing, you know? I know if I tried to talk about half the stuff I write about, I’d probably be fired from my job and kicked out of my HOA within minutes of each other! Hahahahaha….

        I know that when I look for blogs, I’m looking for a certain voice. One of hope, courage, survival, thriving, intelligence, and other qualities in that same vein. So, when I come across that, I find it “real” in a way that I can relate to, so I thank you for being one of those voices.

        Glad I found your blog. 🙂

        Good night, sweet dreams!

        Liked by 1 person

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