Returning

This time I visited,
I promised myself,
I would be the picture
of serenity.

I would be calm.
I would be at peace.
I would not allow myself
to be ruffled or antagonised.

And perhaps I do it to myself.

But there is something in the air.
A certain, highly charged energy,
of the kind I tried so hard
to expel from my life.
Palpable discontent,
I feel it when I return.

And it’s conflicting for me,
to love you so,
(And I do love all of you,
with every fibre of my being),

but to feel so much dis-ease,
in your company.

Sometimes you don’t listen,
Or you listen, but don’t hear me.

You tell me,
I can be open.
That you can take
the pressure of hearing
all of these thoughts
around our childhood.
My resentment,
and my anger.

But my worry is,
that you can’t,
not really.

I know you have your own
insecurities.
But you refuse to address them.
I don’t believe you can see
your own anxieties, clearly.
And this lack of authenticity
stirs rage within me.
I can’t help it.
Despite my love for you.

I want to shake you.
To tell you,
that you have a tendency
to twist my past trauma,
to make it
all about you.

But my desire to protect you
is stronger than this need
to offload my emotions.

So instead I choose
to allow this volcano
to erupt
elsewhere.

This liquid hot rage
will find its way out of me.
I will do things to calm myself.
I will remember,
that I do have my own sanctuary
I can return to.

And perhaps,
I just need to take things
at face value
and accept that we
may never have that kind of relationship.

Being there,
sleeping in that bed,
an exercise in regression
for me.
When you enter the room
after I already announced my exit,
I feel such violation of my privacy.

A trigger for the demon of anxiety.

and it wouldn’t leave then,
you see.
It stayed with me,
long after you were all sound asleep.

Monsters behind the curtains,
every creak
of your old house
a potential attack.

I had to sing to myself
to forget.
To allow the panic
to fade away.

I don’t want to feel that way
in your home.

This isn’t my home anymore.

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4 Comments

  1. This could be an anthem for many emotions but I read it as an experience of ‘going home’ and realizing it was no longer your home. If I am right or if this is one way of interpreting this ‘journey’ both emotionally and metaphysically, then I can relate (I can relate even if it’s nothing to do with this!) because when I go ‘home’ I feel … everything you have said here. You have an uncanny ability to climb inside the heart and let it speak – this is my favorite thing about your writing and I am so appreciative of that, as we need to much to hear this in our otherwise closed off lives.

    Liked by 1 person

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