Naivety

You see now.
Now that your eyes are open.
How were you so easily fooled?
… you wonder.

Not everyone simply wants to be your friend.
Not everyone has the best intentions.
Not everyone wants to care for people,
and you sometimes forget this.

You are naive.
You must remember that,
before you share
your thoughts so willingly.

‘Why don’t you keep a few more
cards in your hand?’

You must not be fooled
by this wolf in sheep’s clothing
again.
When someone tells you,
‘this goes no further’.
When there is always
a negative comment.
When they slander your peers,
criticise those closest to you.

When they gossip,
do you think they won’t
talk about you too?
Did you think
you were different?

You thought you had a friend.
And your innocence is not
a negative trait,
but you stumble
over your naiveté.
You trip and fall victim,
when you ignore
your better judgement.

You must remember,
to keep those most precious thoughts
to yourself.

Do not let her in again.
This bringer of chaos.
A snake in the grass.
A scorpion,
laying in wait
for her next helpless victim.
The sting in her tail,
poised,
always ready to strike.

She will only bring
negativity into your life.
She will only
continue to judge
and criticise
everyone around her.

And don’t take it personally,
my love.
You did nothing wrong.
Some people can’t help
looking for chaos,
anywhere they can find it.

They will seek it out.
They will whisper behind closed doors.
They will manipulate.
They will twist your words
and use them against you.

I know you would like
to be able to trust everyone.
I know in your hopefulness,
you believe that when you share
your thoughts
they will remain sacred.

But your feelings
were only ammunition.
An extracting of information,
to be raised like a rifle
when the battle commenced.
And it inevitably will,
when you live in this world.

And your admittance
of resignation,
your acceptance
of defeat,
only renders you disposable.
And she, my love,
is not your friend.

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10 Comments

  1. I love this too. I feel this way all of the time. I trust everyone as good and kind but flawed. Human. It’s one of the very reasons I try so hard to stay small, but at the same time I love connecting with people. Have you found a way to maintain this balance?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too absolutely, then I make mistakes and get a nasty surprise sometimes. I haven’t found a way yet… but I’m trying to be more careful about how close I get before I really understand someone. I don’t know if it’s currently resulting in becoming gradually more introverted though!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ugh. I know how you feel. My old therapist had told me that it seems as though every time I emerge from my shell, I get kicked in the head. This is where I end up just blaming myself and retreating! I think I’ve reached critical mass where I’ve made so many mistakes, I can either live in perpetual fear of the other shoe dropping, myself, etc or just live my life as best I can. One foot in front of the other. Or not. Right now it’s relaxing, yoga, writing until I’m cleared to go back to work.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Don’t you think self blame is such a perpetual cycle too? ‘That went wrong so it must be my fault’… equals retreat and self hatred. It sounds like your self care methods are valuable ones though! Yoga , writing etc… relaxing and cathartic ! Xx

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Oh my cycles are vicious. It’s difficult for me to even say “okay well here is baseline” because the diagnoses change perpetually. The reassurance of getting away from labels and diagnoses and focusing on results are giving me a lot of reassurance. Admittedly, being afraid is something I struggle with constantly. Just talking to you, I feel the questions rising, but I’m trying to engage mindfulness to stay here in my words to you. In this moment. This conversation. This is why I’m so glad I am not working right now because basic human functions are difficult!!! I’m going to discuss EMDR and upping CBT and DBT as much as I can tomorrow. I refuse to keep living in constant fear of my own brain. I think that must be that OCD piece I didn’t understand until yesterday 🙂 thanks for letting me stay outta this busy brain! Talking with you is wonderful.

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Well feel free to vent it out! Basic human functions are difficult… I find myself chickening out of human interaction all the time, but I guess if we find the confidence to seek solace in people who understand then it can only be a reassurance 🙂 have you already tried EMDR? It’s been recommended to me before but I haven’t dared to dip my toe in the water just yet . I’d be fascinated to learn if it’s been effective for you?

            Liked by 1 person

          3. I’ve not tried it, but a few of the online support groups I’m in – ACOA, and women with PTSD have been speaking of it highly! It’s making me think maybe that’s how I can get control of my life. You’re absolutely right. I’m the same. Very few people do I speak to. Even WordPress got scary for me for awhile. I get too overwhelmed too easily!

            Liked by 1 person

          4. If you do it, I’d be much obliged if you let me know how you find it. I find it inspiring and comforting to read about how other women deal with ptsd . There are so many women on here who are a little further along in their journey than I am and it helps me a lot to read about their experiences. (Totally with you on getting overwhelmed… that’s partly why my blog is so non committal!)

            Liked by 1 person

          5. If you have Facebook, there is a group – women with PTSD. Very safe space. Lots of support, insights, ideas. There’s also a narcissistic abuse support group – thriving after abuse that I’ve found helpful. I will absolutely share everything I can. A woman who wrote about it made wonderful connections and growth with her core beliefs and overturning them. This is something I’ve been working on for months now. Trust, honesty, faith in people are where I always struggle. Asking for help, too. I believe I must do it alone. Myself. I think that’s why I’ve not made progress in all these years of therapy.

            Liked by 1 person

          6. Actually I can really relate to that… I’ve only been seeing my therapist for a few months but I still really struggle with accepting help. I still find it very difficult to be myself around friends and family… they get a happy face, only to avoid causing them pain. But I know now it isn’t useful to hide things away like that. I guess old habits die hard though? Thank you for the recommendation… I’ll definitely have a look there!

            Liked by 1 person

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