Tightrope

Speaking with you,
renders me hopeless.

How confusing,
to love someone so dearly,
but struggle so
with their complications.

You always want to know,

‘What did they say about me?’
‘Have there been whispers?’
‘Are they annoyed with me?’

And the truth is,
they will always be annoyed
about something.

I don’t mean to be flippant,
but I just cannot be bothered with this.

Your impossible dynamics
invade my private world.

You are always speaking
about each other.
How am I to walk this tightrope
with any balance,
without being dragged
kicking and screaming
into the chaos you create.

I try to cultivate
the right atmosphere
between you.
But when such contempt exists,
how can I remain diplomatic?

I am afraid
to make the journey,
to spend time with all of you.
I am afraid
of what you might say,
about the person I hold dearest.

I know she is difficult.
I know she is not perfect,
but are any of us?

I have created my own serene existence here.
And when I hear
your complaints of each other,
‘They didn’t invite us on that one weekend’
‘We didn’t feel welcome when they…’
I know you must speak of me too.

How I never call.
How I never invite you over.
How I keep myself separate.

And is there any wonder?
When between you
nothing is sacred?

I am so careful with my words
around you.
Any indiscretion could be used
against me.
Isn’t that right?
I have heard what you say
when backs are turned.

And I will never be one of you,
no matter how hard I try.
You are a unit I am not part of.
Just like they are.

These are not just blood divides.
These are ingrained, behavioural,
cultural divides.

Maybe I am too much like my father.
Distant, unreachable,
selfish?

But I only feel comfortable
in places where trust
is a solid entity I can grasp.
And it burns through my core,
but I don’t feel that
with you.

screen-shot-2017-02-12-at-16-53-12

Advertisements

4 Comments

  1. The comic you posted at the end really reminds me of Bo Burnham’s song Channel 5 News: The Musical. I know the title is weird, but the lyrics are so on point. Give it a chance if you have an opportunity. Just that line about wanting something exciting and awful reminded me of this song.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s