Taking Inventory

You have been asking yourself,
‘Why are you so drawn
to solitude, these days?’

“But you’ve always been so sociable”
“You don’t go out so much anymore”
“Is everything alright?”

It’s true that
you are finding
it difficult to see,
the purpose in a conversation
these days.

And how many of them
did you meet,
before you really knew yourself at all?

There are the ones
who have been there
since you were very small.
You have surely grown
in a different direction now.
Perhaps they think you less ambitious,
less driven, less intelligent(?)
than they.
Perhaps you think them materialistic,
misguided, chasing the idol of money,
seeking power, recognition.
Three car garage, hot tub in the garden.
You see little substance
in such pursuits.

There are the ones
you met when you were studying.
You were only pretending
to be a scholar, really, weren’t you?
Yes you got your qualification.
You scraped through,
wing and prayer.
You never felt you belonged
in their world of fierce confidence.
You were the one who had screwed it all up.
And was that even their perception?
Or was it only yours?

There are the ones
with whom you shared
a mutual love of self destruction.
Nights spent talking nonsense,
huddled over mirror and razor.
Snorting false confidence,
replacing what you lacked.
Day became night.
Night became day.
And did any of those spoken riddles
make any sense at all?

Perhaps you were always introverted
by nature.
Perhaps, you learned to focus
every moment on others
to distract you from yourself.
Stay busy and the monsters cannot surface.

Perhaps you are moving
much closer to peace
than you’ve been before.
This is a new world to you,
of course you step with trepidation.

And it’s ok if all you want to do
is stay at home and read.

It’s ok to take inventory
of the people in your life.

You have been clinging onto some
for old times sake,
for believing in things
that were never true,
connections that never existed.

Save your precious time,
my love.
Reserve your energy
for those who give
as much as you give to them.

The others will fade away.
And you may find,
that you feel a little lighter
without their presence.

no face woman © 2017

 

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23 Comments

  1. Great post! Love what you said about feeling lighter if you let go of some… I clung to the ones that I thought were meant to be, but actions prove louder than words and I was left with a new realization and the question is, “Do they deserve me?”

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s so hard, isn’t it? I’m constantly questioning myself, because honestly, I do believe I am a good person, a good friend. But I can’t expect the same common courtesy from others. It’s even heavier when we are experience mental and physical health problems. The second guessing myself is non-stop!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes absolutely! I’ve been questioning am I a terrible person and friend? It’s difficult to take those steps without feeling like you’re abandoning people. Especially if you have a natural tendency to try and help everyone. But I suppose you can’t give the best of yourself to the people who do deserve your time, if you spend it all on the wrong ones x

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Exactly! I do have a natural tendency to help. I also have a natural tendency to doubt myself. Trying to remind myself that I am enough and if others choose to walk away, it’s on them. So glad for the connections I’m finding here, thank you ❤

            Liked by 1 person

          2. It sure is. I wonder if everyone is like that? Or is unique to those of us with mental health issues? I guess there is a lot of it around and it just depends on the person. I think we are inherently more sensitive in every way… which is part of what contributes to us ending up with mental health issues 😉

            Liked by 1 person

      1. Some one left a beautiful comment on one of my blogs today about this. We do need connection but we need good connections. That all comes from self love. I was really helped today by that person’s insight. Some of us are introverts its just the way we feel more at home. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You’re right… and you can’t begin to determine which is which until you practice self love a little more. It feels like I’ve been blindly stumbling through life until I realised this! 💛 thank you for encouraging me I really appreciate it

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha… I feel like that so often reading people’s thoughts on WordPress. It doesn’t happen in day to day life, perhaps we share a little more here. I’m very grateful for it either way and glad you could relate ❤ xx

      Liked by 1 person

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