White Sheep of the Family

*Disclaimer: this post in no way represents my views or opinions of any race or ethnic background… this is a perspective from inside one family, my family and my experience of the dynamics within it based on the characters of the individuals in that group and how they behave. It is not a reflection of my views on anyone other than the people I am directly referring to. 


It’s already apparent,
that I’m not in the club.
Three of you.
One of me.
The black sheep of the family.

Where do I fit in?
I try to forge a path,
to fit into your lives,
But my only aide and ally,
becomes my biggest barrier.
Every time.

I know she has her insecurities,
but I sometimes forget that she lies.
That behind that caring smile,
lies a threatened viper,
ready to attack,
if you try to get too close
to her people.

For they are her people, after all.
Not mine.
This is their culture,
not mine.
And I did not grow up 
with Bollywood movies.
I did not grow up with Kaki and Kaka.
But I have tried my best
to learn, to fit in.

But there will never be any place here,
for my typically British stoicism.
My cold appearance,
shielding a heart full of warmth.
I am just reserved, you see.
It is in my blood.

There will never be any place here,
for the traditions I hold dear.
For Sunday roasts,
for old English pubs,
for Yorkshire puddings,
for Britpop and sideburns.
For chanting the name
of your hometown
over the sound of a football match.
For all the things I missed
when we were growing up.

There will never be any place here,
for the way we communicate
with our closest friends.
How we curse,
how we throw insults around,
how it demonstrates
our most sincere affections.
They just don’t understand.

There will never be any place
for the experiences I’ve had.
The people I’ve known.
The horrors I’ve seen.

They pass judgement
on the life we live.

They called me a ‘white person’
and that makes us different.
Regardless that we were raised
by the same parents.
Regardless that we had
the same education,
lived in the same house.
I am a white person.

And that makes me different
to this, my family by marriage.

It does not go unnoticed,
when mine is the only message
that goes unanswered.
It does not go unnoticed,
that you show subtle distaste
for my people and their ways.
You may not say it directly,
but you say it all the same.

You say it with your silence.
You say with with your walls built high.
You say it with your judgement.
You say it when you leave me out of your plans.

For I am the white sheep of the family.
And I will never fit in here.

 

 

no face woman © 2017

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15 Comments

  1. This is a beautiful piece of writing. I do believe one of, if not the best I have read from you. I can feel the pain, the confusion of why, and yet the total understanding of why, at the same time. Thanks for sharing this 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. If anyone reading this can’t understand why you would feel the way you do, then I feel that’s on them, not you. Or they really didn’t “read” it. 🙂 I feel anyone reading this would have to feel the pain you went/are going through being treated like that, especially treated like that by family. Chin up, this was a great story/piece of writing. Raw, honest, full of struggle and pain

        Liked by 1 person

  2. So understandable. We may want to live in perfect harmony with each other but no doubt, cultures clash and the loneliness surfaces when it is one among a group of the “others.” Wishing you future tolerance from the flock of sheep…

    Liked by 1 person

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