Paranoia: A Self Reprimand

You were wrong this time,
weren’t you?
You were paranoid.
And why is that?
Because you punish yourself
every time you have one drink too many.
Because you know it’s bad for you.
Because you know alcohol is a negative
in your life.

And this is your own fault.
You know how you get,
when you let yourself go.
You also know
that you never do anything to hurt anyone,
your fears are always unfounded.
If anything, you are upbeat, vibrant,
open and even fun loving.
But it doesn’t stop the paranoia creeping,
Does it?

Who did I offend?
What did I say?

Yes perhaps you confided a little too much,
(you always were an over-sharer),
but your trust was not misplaced.
This friend is your sister by heart.
She will stand by your side,
as she always has.
You were wrong to doubt her.

These are your trust issues,
your paranoias.
Do not project them
onto your friend,
who has never faltered
despite the many mistakes
you have made.

She has the purest soul,
the kindest smile.
She will never let you down.

Now get over yourself
and think of someone else’s perspective
for a change,
before you dwell on your own.

Not everything is about you, you know.

 

 
no face woman © 2017

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2 Comments

  1. I cried when I read this. This was me and my best friend. After 20 years I was worse and she couldn’t handle not knowing how I would be at the end of the night. We started drinking together at 16, we had fun for years. There were some bumps but we had each other. I have a twin sister but was always closer to my best friend. She accepted me after seeing me at rock bottom. You get older and things change. I quit drinking at 36 I’m 44 now. My best friend thought it would be best for me, she didn’t want to lose me. I lost her anyway. After about 6 months the phone calls were not as often, I wasn’t invited to anything and little things were hidden from me like a simple BBQ. I was hurt. She began to drink less and work more. She had a great boyfriend to spend time with and a house on the beach. I lived with my Dad and had no other friends. 9 years sober and I talk to her maybe twice a month. She loves me but I’ve realized we don’t have much in common without alcohol. I would still take a bullet for her. lol I’m still with my Dad because we are both physically ill and I have no human contact with anyone except when my Dad decides his hearing works.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading this and for sharing your story with me a little… I’ve lost many friends through drinking and bad decisions. Luckily I have a couple of really solid ones that have stuck around, but I know this story you speak of very well. It’s hard to extinguish paranoia and even harder to forgive yourself, but I hope you find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone in that ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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