Confessions

You need to look back in time,
do a little tidying up in your mind.
You can’t fully be free,
without stepping over from A to B.

Look at who you are these days,
have you really forgotten all those hedonist ways?
Are you just pretending to be a saint now
and was it in your blood to be a good girl anyhow?

You remember that time?
You were 24 maybe almost 25.
How much did you steal to put that place out of business?
Would you still do it if you never had a witness?

You remember that man?
“Men’ll take advantage in any way they can”
But how much of a victim can you claim to be
when you never said no and you’re over 23.

You remember those drugs,
spending all your time with that boy and his thugs.
Shovelling cocaine into your nose,
waking up with strangers again and no clothes.

You remember that day,
coughing up something heavy and grey.
You knew you’d had too much Mandy,
blood on your knuckles says you got a bit handy.

Sitting in the dark
listening to the Stone Roses
sipping on your beer
while your mouth decomposes.

Lighting up a fag
and sitting in silence
letting him come over
and forgot about the violence.

These are the experiences that you’ve had,
but do they mean that you’re inherently bad?
Now you don’t stay up ’til 10 the next morning,
is it your old life that you’re now mourning?

How much have things got better since then?
Would one night be worth it to go back there again?
Can you pinpoint exactly what shifted
when the darkness of your history finally lifted.

Everyone has done things that they regret.
You’ve apologised to friends and settled all your debt.
Don’t keep punishing yourself forever,
get your head up and keep thinking clever.

You’ve done things that you never thought you could do.
You’ve found a partner who will put up with you.
You’ve got a home now, a pet and a career,
you’re too smart to risk everything that you hold dear.

Be proud of where you’re at and who you’ve become.
You don’t need drugs to make yourself numb.
You don’t need cigarettes, drink or validation.
You can live life with your chosen narration.

 

no face woman © 2017

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5 Comments

  1. Wow! Ok, so I’m really sorry your life was like this, but at the same time, this poem shows a ton of talent.

    This verse here:
    “How much have things got better since then?
    Would one night be worth it to go back there again?
    Can you pinpoint exactly what shifted
    when the darkness of your history finally lifted.”

    I relate to each part of this most especially. The second line though… the temptation is strong at times, whatever that particular temptation might be. You are not alone. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

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